Football Star Quarterback - Miss Lori

Once again, it was one of those days where I was so ‘in the moment,’ that I had forgotten to press the on switch  to the coffee maker. My saying, kids are my coffee, was a blaring understatement today. However; nearing the end of the day I sure needed a cup of coffee. I was totally wiped out, partly due to the rambunctious nature of the kids doped up on valentine cupcakes, hot heart candies, marshmallow hearts and every other candy ever invented shaped like a heart, but also in part because it was our Valentine’s Day party and party days are always more wild and fun, requiring more energy from me than usual. Yet, I somehow oddly enough, manage to complete the regular lessons in addition to having party games, movement activities and contests, thereby creating a whole lot of intensity, busyness and fast moving little bodies flying around the room. Not sure why I do this, probably the perfectionist in me, but it might also be some deranged masochistic part of my psyche that I am in total denial about.

The day was exhausting yet at the same time rewarding. No child got slapped or scratched by another today and no child had a full blown tantrum. I feel like a football quarterback athlete who just won the Super Bowl. I seriously was on top of my game. At least I felt I was, since I was able to consistently monitor all the children to prevent anyone from having a catastrophic emotional breakdown or worse a flailing screaming tantrum. My eyes were always on the action, no matter who I was talking to or what child I was helping. My eyes darted about, my feet were firmly planted, my hands on my waist as I stood in a constant ready-to-act  any minute stance.

The biggest success was my ability to prevent the little destroyer, who is always, let’s say into everything, in getting away with his master plan to destroy me. Not today buddy - not on my watch. 

When I was talking to a parent and helping a child put their valentine’s into the correct boxes, the little destroyer saw I was momentarily unavailable and distracted,  just the motivation he needed to make his move, and he stood on the chairs, at which time I saw him out of the corner of my eye, took two giant steps, leaped over a chair, stretched over another chair and caught him in my arms. Literally within seconds I had him on the ground like a formal touchdown. 

I wanted to scream a cheer and in my head I did; “My back hurts, my skirts too tight… my wrists shake from left to right…uh huh, I got him!!! Gooooo Team!”  

There’s more, I also caught him minutes before he could reach for my business phone and stopped him from dialing, with a rapid three – step - twirl and slide, I was able to land the phone on the receiver before he could even consider dialing some distant town far away in Ireland somewhere.  

I am also very proud to say I was able to stop him mid groove, from attempting to steal a handful of other children’s valentine candies, by facing him, sitting in a chair that he was about to move out of his way, in order to sneak his stash to his own personal valentine box. Oh, was I ever onto him. This was a very strategic interception that blocked him instantly, stopping him in his tracks. His adorable shocked "Oh no, I am caught," face was priceless. I walked him around the table while he hesitantly yet carefully put back every stolen chocolate, sweetheart candy and heart lollipop that he so deviously stole. 

I feel I was a good defensive player today and I feel empowered that I was able to block the little kleptomaniac’s plan before it escalated into a full fledged chocolate war between the kids. Surprisingly every child actually ended up with the correct box and correct valentine cards and candy that were given to them. Now that’s a preschool party success story.  

Hooray!

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

‘Yes!’

‘No.’

‘Yes!’

‘No.’

Isn’t this the month for love and frolic and fawning over each others positive character traits with compliments and hugs? The month for tender moments, sweet chocolate kisses and red roses wrapped with pink ribbons. Like the song from the movie The Sound of Music;

‘Brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things,’

I know, that’s what I’m thinking.

Wrong.

Well, all I can surmise is that it was a full moon this past weekend and it’s February? Could that be the only reason why the children this week have been psychotic, I mean…chaotic? I decided to leave in the Freudian typo rather than back space and just write chaotic, because in retrospect the energy of this entire week has been a little bit of both. I have witnessed physical displays of emotional trauma over something as simple as a child being told by another child "No."

I mean, seriously a reaction that amounted to a full body wailing, literal drop to the ground, arm flailing scream fest. Yes, it was just lovely to watch. What if adults displayed their emotions this way? Sometimes we want to, don’t we? What a release, I imagine. Possibly why children seem so drained and exhausted after wards-their whole body experiences an intense adrenaline rush. 

And get this? The reaction was due to a simple disagreement at lunch, over whether a child had chicken nuggets in their freezer at their home, as if any child has x-ray vision super-powers and can see miles away through walls and metal. 

Here’s how it all started…After, a three year old girl noticed that a four year old boy got to eat chicken nuggets for lunch, the child excited to share, said to him, enthusiastically, "I have chicken nuggets, in my freezer at home!" at which time the boy felt the need to play the devil’s advocate and said "No you don’t!" which caused the little girls heart to boil and she retorted with "Yes!" And the boy then said "No."

This continued back and forth for some time until the three year old girl could not take it any longer and she complained to me, with tears in her eyes how devastated she was that the boy would not believe her. This escalated into a conversation about what is in our freezers at home and how would we be able to even know what another child had unless we went to their home and emptied their freezer. Which we are not invited to do.  Kids sure do seem to love to argue while witnessing another child’s anguish. It’s somehow satisfying for them to see the other suffer-why is that? 

Another observation- Kids seem to eat chicken nuggets more than any other meat. That can’t be good.

Oh yes, of course we had more than two tantrums similar to this one, this week-And really, over such mundane things that are simply not even worth mentioning. Although in the child’s world, at that very moment in the middle of their pain, it is absolutely the end of the world. The development of the brain is a remarkably perplexing and complex organ. It processes so differently without experience, wisdom and age. I think kids are emotional infants until about the age of seven. Perhaps even some adults remain so.

Profound Thought:

Kids have an obsession with tattoos: The fake ones even now come in Valentine Cards-Yippee! Several of my little girls are more ‘into,’ them than even the boys. I actually had to take a step back before reacting, when one of the girls came to school one morning with a gigantic tattoo of a slithering snake placed directly in the middle of her forehead. This took attention away from the large butterfly tattoo located near her belly button and the numerous smattering of various hearts and ladybug tattoos that aligned her arm and left leg. 

Makes me wonder, if the perspective of the next generation of adults will be that a person without a tattoo is…taboo? Yikes.

Funniest thing said recently:

A four year old boy, in response to our weekly theme My Heart Belongs To… said, "My mommy is nice to me all the time, but we bought the wrong sister."

Hysterical.

Monkey Business

"Too Much Monkey Business"

Does anyone remember Chuck Berry? Do you recall the song Too Much Monkey Business? I am listening to it right now on my record player. Am I possibly the only one left on this planet who still owns a record player? Possibly. Will the next generation even know what that is? Of course not, record players are practically obsolete.

The reason I bring up the song is because the song has the same tone of every day I spend at the Preschool; Continually fast paced with something dramatic always going on. Ironically, recently I had a three year old who had been responding to any request I would make by saying “Okay Little Monkey.”  

How cute is that. I laugh every time of course. I am not the only monkey at my school, in fact I am surrounded by little monkeys.

Here’s how I would alter the lyrics to Chuck Berry’s song “Monkey Business,” to fit my daily routine as a teacher of little monkeys…First part is the original lyrics and they apply, so no need to change them-

  Too much monkey business, for me to be involved in

  Same thing every day, getting up, going to school

  No need for me to complain, my objections over ruled.

“ Workin’ the preschool class - too many kids

  Wipe their noses, watch their manners

  See them fall, get hurt… run too fast.

  Too much monkey business

  Too much monkey business

  Too much monkey business

 That’s what I choose to be involved in.”

Aside from the past week being as crazy as the last, having moments of exhilarating highs, emotional tantrums, explosions and dramatic expressions that could supersede an Oscar, I must say it is entertaining, to say the least. If you are someone who bores easily or disparately need drama in your life to feel alive, become a preschool teacher, you will not be disappointed.

It's Nice To Be Nice

Last night, ironically, although I cannot remember what site, while browsing online I had read one of the simplest quotes to tell a child to help them in life and I’d like to say in addition that this quote is also one that adults should listen to as well? It’s so simple, yet so profoundly true.

“It’s nice to be nice.”

Exactly. So why is it so difficult for so many I wonder.

It was late in the afternoon and I had one child left at my center, granted I was exhausted, but nothing more than usual, and this child and I sat down next to one another to color. This sweet, innocent little cutie pie touches my shoulder and with a concerned look, says to me, “Wow…your eyes are old.”

And okay, naturally I laughed and maybe even slightly coughed, out of surprise to her statement as I thought, did she say “Old?”

What in the world possessed this seemingly respectful girl to say such an unflattering, blunt comment? I’ll tell you what. It was her, as I like to call it Kiddism Degree. All children have one. They earned it at birth. They achieved it by receiving laughter and praise from all of the fawning adults in their life who decided that everything that child said was funny. Their degree allows them to say whatever, as long as adults laugh, until school begins or if they have very conscious parenting in the household and their parents, play the teacher role, at which time they learn how not cute and how not appropriate certain things are to say to certain individuals. I guess that’s my job and what I signed up to teach. Oh fun.

This is the part of being a teacher that isn’t as pleasant as being the lovable aunt or uncle who just gets to enjoy a child without having to instill some valuable lesson with every conversation. I know, because I am an Aunt also. And when I play Aunt to my nieces and nephew I do not play the teacher role. It’s a relief. The Aunt job description is so lackadaisical, it’s awesome. Can you believe I am considered the wild, fun Aunt? I suppose I am considered that as a teacher in some ways too, but not always, that’s the difference, because to be a healthy role model and instill values, ethics, morals and prepare a child for the future requires having to not only explain why things are acceptable and why they are not and having to demonstrate ways to speak and listen, the importance of sharing, showing remorse, being respectful, caring, responsible and patient, but also having to behave as the adult.

I must also share what happened earlier in the day:

A very small three year old came to school wearing the cutest apparel; overalls with a belt and the shirt underneath was one of those full body tops that babies wear-where it has three buttons at the crotch. Yay for me, I knew what I would be doing every time that child had to pee.

Say no to belts, overalls and under garments that button at the crotch, people. I understand that these outfits are so cute and just so dang adorable. Resist. Why they were ever invented for young children is beyond me. It just makes them less self sufficient and adds more responsibility to the adult. The only reason we buy these outfits is merely because we like how our child looks in them-They are purely a fashion statement and are absolutely impractical and should be outlawed. 

Thank you to all of those conscious parents who at least resist sending their child in such clothing to school. Honestly only clothing that is, not only alright to get messy in, but easy for a child to remove themselves, is appropriate at school. A child does not need an abundance of accessories at the preschool age anyhow, do they?

Even if a child is very capable of undressing and dressing themselves to go potty, most are not as capable at school, because there are more than just a few kids so there are time constraints. And in the school environment they are so preoccupied and busy at play or following a structured routine whereby they end up either waiting until the last minute to go, not wanting to miss out or they are having to rush because there are other children in line waiting their turn to use the bathroom.

Here’s what to send your child in:

Leggings and T-shirts for girls and elastic wasted pants and t-shirts for boys. Shocking, but I’m not conducting a preschool beauty pageant here.

Question:

Does the typical lunch able have any nutritional value whatsoever? What is in it really? Have you ever read the ingredients for what are in theses products? Go ahead, I’ll be surprised if you can pronounce any of them, because most are completely unrecognizable. That should be a hint that it is more than likely indigestible. Even kids won’t eat the processed orange cheese cubes that come in the snack packs.

Okay, I have said my peace.

Daddy Was In Mommy's Belly?

I think children can sense a storm coming, just like animals can and that’s why you see them behaving out of control prior to a storm.

What a wild week.

There is a belief that playing classical music in the background where children are present instills a calmness and peaceful nature in them. That is only when it is not raining, thundering, snowing or…sunny out. It is pretty much not true. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a bit. It probably does help mellow them more so than having a Dora or Wiggles video on or having loud blaring rock and roll music playing. My point is, that the music in the background in a preschool setting whereby there are more than let’s say three children, does not influence their behavior whatsoever. 

What influences their behavior is the presence of each other. Children bounce off of each others energy and if just one is feeling frisky, they all eventually get riled up until the room sounds like a roller coaster ride. That’s when they feel compelled to scream and run with no purpose except to hear themselves scream.

Yes this happened this week, almost every day. I can say that when the children are unable to have recess time because of the weather, they are more likely to find reasons to run and scream inside. Naturally, since that is what they do outside and most children by nature typically love to scream.

Question: Why does a child think that the tissues from the tissue boxes are recyclable? I cannot tell you how many times a day I find snotty used tissues stuffed back into the tissue boxes. Blecck.

Aside from my ears ringing all week, as we had no option for recess, there were moments of hysterical laughter.

Did you know that if you ask almost any preschool age child where they came from they will answer “From my mommy’s belly.”

And if you also ask, who else was in their mommy’s belly, they will answer by listing their family members beginning with their siblings and including dad.

Okay that’s too funny.

I get the giggles from this every time. Almost every child thinks this, up until maybe the age six.

Do you think it has anything to do with the dad’s stereo-typical role in the family?

Is it because mom is seen getting the children ready for school, working, picking up the children, making dinner, doing all those care taking things that it just seems natural that she must also have carried dad in her belly, as if he is one of the kids?

I wonder if a study is done, asking those children whose dad’s are the caretakers, who do the laundry, cooking, driving to school type chores, whether the child would think dad had mommy in his belly?

Say NO To Donuts

A parent sent her tinier than average three year old with a humongous extra long chocolate do-nut for breakfast. The thing was as big as this child’s head. Mom says to me “ She picked that one out, I don’t know what she was thinking. She won’t eat all that.”

She did.

Mom also sent a large box of regular sized chocolate covered, sprinkled round donuts for the other children.

Naturally, as you can imagine with all the kids doped up on a do-nut high I had a quiet and pleasant morning, rrright. Thanks mom.

Of course in hindsight, I should have thought ahead myself and cut them all in half or even quarter sizes. Too late.

So this is what ensued after each child had digested their donut:

First of all I realized after the fact, that conducting circle time was futile, actually doing anything that required any degree of focusing was an absolute ridiculous notion. I don’t know what I had expected. I suppose I expected an average Friday experience. Fridays are usually are best day of the week, it takes four days after the weekend to re train the children back into remembering all the rules and by Friday things are generally running more smoothly. Not this Friday.

Besides the typical reaction a child displays after consuming that amount of sugar, being unable to control their bodies; throwing toys, running inside, wrestling, pushing, squeezing, screaming, (I believe at one point I witnessed a girl football pile up in circle) there were also a few incidents that were beyond the norm.

I began to wonder-Does the sugar make their bodies indestructible are just so giddy that they don’t care that they are hurt? Maybe, like puppy dogs and cats, children sense the storm headed our way this weekend. Maybe it wasn’t the donuts after all.

I had to be more of a defensive player today.

Especially when during the commotion of the morning festivities, as I leaned down on all fours to tie a child’s shoe, one of my four year old boys jumps on my back, laughing and yelling “Yeehaw!” I just walked him in the horsey position to the time out chair.

Didn’t even faze that little cowboy, he continued to try to climb up me throughout the entire morning.

Then came the climax…

The littlest girl at my center (The one who ate the gigantic chocolate donut) was bouncing off the walls, slapping children, wrestling them to the ground with attitude and just being a little sour pickle.

Then, I see this brown mess on the floor and as I am following what appears to be a dirt trail to the bathroom, I discover it is caca and this little cute thing is standing in the bathroom wiping it off her shoe. How does anyone get caca on their shoe? It was on the toilet and her pant leg as well. At this point all I could say was “Ayiyi.” Then shortly after this moment during lunch, this same little pickle accidentally spilled her blue Trix yogurt all over the floor, all of it. And instead of running to get paper towel to clean it up, as she would have done on any other day she chose to step in it, and begin mimicking ice skating movements. Before I could lift her out of the yogurt ice rink she had created, I noticed that she had also wet her pants, double Ayiyi.

Interesting Fact: 
Most children believe that inanimate objects come to life. But it’s even more fascinating how they use this belief to get out of being responsible. Today it was the cup of crushed pineapple served for snack, that just happen to, on its own fly across the table spilling all over the floor. “It moved by itself,” was the automatic response from my five year old girl. Okay I see now, the pineapple has a mind of its own and thinks it can fly-well we proved it wrong, that little mischievous pineapple-plane wannabe.

Question of the Day: 
Can a girl pretend to be a transformer? I would think so too. Try telling that to the boys.

Cutest remark said today:

In teaching about Martin Luther King Jr., the children learned about his legacy and that he is no longer alive.  I had a little girl ask “Who is the King now? Does he live with the Queen?

Long time puzzle:

Why is it that a child ninety percent of the time, takes the opposite arm you hand them, when you try to assist them on putting on a jacket?

Thank Goodness it’s Friday.

The Domino Effect

When I put on a Barney video, whether the children are aware what they are about to watch or not, in the bathroom or in a separate center area, in unison you will hear every child say; “Barneyyyyyyyy,” in a rather bellowing loud tone that sounds as if it has been years since they’ve seen him. It was only yesterday. It cracks me up every time.

The other thing kids do in unison is, run while screaming. It’s almost as if their physical legs are connected to their vocal chords, they can’t do one without the other. And of course this ultimately creates a domino effect until every single child is running and screaming. Thank goodness we got to have recess outside on the playground today. My neighbors may not be thanking me, but my ears are. Can you imagine twelve children running and screaming simultaneously inside a small classroom? I can. Kids need recess time like they need water, without it they become agitated, weak and cranky. Although, I sincerely do love the rain, it can’t occur during the school week from eleven to twelve in the mornings or from three thirty to four thirty in the afternoon. Can someone get this urgent message to the weather angel.

Guess what? My three year old little destroyer actually displayed some remorse and brought my heart to tears. Well, he did first punch a child directly in the stomach. And she did happen to be innocently standing still not bothering anyone, so I guess she had it coming. After he punched her causing her to buckle over, he ran away off to go down the slide. I called him over to me when I witnessed this incident with this little girl, tears rolling down her sweet little face. I held his hand while he faced her, as I explained to him how we don’t feel good when we hurt another person’s body. I asked him to show this girl that he didn’t mean to hurt her by saying “Sorry.”

That's when he surprised me.  He said sorry in the most empathetic way and proceeded to try to understand by pointing and touching her belly looking at me with questioning eyes saying “Owie?,” repeatedly. I kept saying “Yes, Owie…we don’t punch, punching hurts.” And then he petted her arm like a kitten, did a lean in shoulder head hug and began unzipping her jacket and glancing back at me and pointing again to her belly saying “Owie?” The little girl started to smile and I started to laugh. It was like watching curious George in live action form…or maybe it was Dr. Jekyll.   After we all hugged, the little destroyer sprinted off, found another child to smack on the way, grabbed a different child’s toy right out of their hand and headed into the castle slide, I imagine so he could complete the transformation back into Mister Hyde.

Another lovely day in the life of a preschooler.

When It Rains, It Pours Children

I felt myself collapse at my desk at nap time, alas all the kiddaroos had fallen asleep. There is something very angel like about a child sleeping. They all seem so perfectly, pure, kind, gentle and sweet sound asleep. All their innocence and light shines through on their soft little adorable tiny faces. Wake them up before they want to get up and you will witness the opposite.

One of today's dilemma's-Due to the wastefulness of band aids, I am continuously telling my children ‘No blood, no band aid.’

It was one of those days, not unlike any other typical Monday actually, where the entire morning seemed like a race against time. Or maybe it was I who felt I was chasing after the kids. Oh yeah, that was it. I was either collecting off the floor, foam sticker backings used from our activity, that somehow ended up all over the classroom or picking up band aid wrappers from children who took the initiative to retrieve a band aid without permission, for an ouch that did not exist.

Children will spend an enormous amount of energy fabricating stories, pointing to areas of their body that are perfectly healthy trying desperately to convince you that they see blood and need a band aid. And, they get vehemently upset if you do not believe them. Most of us are aware that kids are known for showing their scars, scrapes and bruises and wanting to share them with every person they know or don’t know, it is their way of connecting. However; when these ouch areas are completely invisible to the naked eye, something needs to be done. In the beginning I used to not have a band aid limit. That didn’t last and neither did the band aids. After the school went through two boxes of Dora, an entire box of Sponge Bob and Barbie band aids within a six hour period, I realized I needed to create a new rule-that’s when no blood, no band aid became the mantra.

Besides feeling like I was a human vacuum sweeper all day, picking up tiny paper remnants all over the room, we also had three major juice spills and two soup spills at lunch. And even after mopping twice the floor was still sticky. So I could hear my every step and every child’s every step for a good part of the day. It took an extra rinse and clean that I had to do during nap time, to eliminate the stickiness.

This stickiness was in part because I have informally allowed parent’s to send their child with heat-up meals for lunch time, to make it easier on the them. This way they can send last night’s left over dinner, corn dog or pizza; this is not posted or written anywhere in the school’s handbook or brochure. In the past I’ve only had one or two parent’s who would take advantage of this, most parents send sandwiches-oh, but not this year. I don’t know quite what I was thinking. When most of the parent’s send heat-up meals I have to do three or more separate microwave sessions, which invariably can be a bit tedious and not everyone’s heat up is ready at the same time. It is workable and not really too much of an inconvenience; however what has become more of a problem is heating up soup; not working, people. I cannot tell you how many times I have spilled soup or the children have spilled on themselves or each other. We had four soup dishes today…whoopee. I’m going to have to reinstate a new policy-no soup for the troupes and send in the soup police.

Oh I would not want to forget to mention the highlight of the day; while I was in the middle of mopping up the various juice spills, the little destroyer was caught standing in the bathroom doorway with his pants down to his ankles grabbing an over abundance of paper towels, using it to wipe himself. Here is a lovely visual; his caca was dripping down his leg and he had a huge messy lump sitting at the bottom of his underwear, just wonderful. I got to assist him with wet wipes in cleaning up and changing into dry clean clothes, and somehow find the time to type up a bowel movement potty report for his parent’s.

On a happier note; other news-I got a new item for the center, an ‘as seen on TV’ toothpaste dispenser which in most ways is going to be way less time consuming and good in teaching the children about being self reliant. Obviously I am going to have to really monitor it in the beginning and do some major training, because just as I predicted, certain children thought this new device meant that they could brush their teeth every time they have the urge to move a body part, which is about every second. Only once a day after lunch kids, it is not a toy.

Some kids earned treats today for good behavior, yea! Did you know that laffy taffy makes kids really laugh? Taffy that turns your tongue a fun color such as green or blue causes instant giddy laughter in a preschooler. They could not get enough of exposing each others tongue to one another and laughing and staring at it in the mirror. Every time they have ever received a laffy taffy treat they all do this, as if they have never before seen a colored tongue, this will never get old to a child. Gotta love their childish enthusiasm.

Aaaaaaa......Chooo!

As usual I was wearing my vinyl disposable gloves to serve Blast-O-Butter popcorn for our weekly fun Friday popcorn/movie day experience, when one of my little students said ‘Miss Lori, I like your gloves, they’re pretty.’   Okay, that is too funny.

And this provoked a peculiar thought in me; I should wear these every day, seriously.  What a smart idea, I could be like a CSI agent.  It’s brilliant really, because I would ultimately protect myself from the wide range of germs and viruses that children naturally carry and apparently look good doing it.   Not that I ever get sick, I just don’t. It could have something to do with taking four vitamin C a day and washing my hands neurotically every five minutes and using the elbow arm-to-the-face block maneuver whenever a child even clears their throat to potentially cough or worse, sneeze.  I did have a child once, while I was sitting right next to him turn, face me head on and do a full blown runny nose sneeze right into my eyes. Aarghh!…bleck…ew…ew…ew…ew.

My face seriously squints and my teeth clench whenever I recall this tragic memory.

Yes, I do believe that I should consider creating colorful vinyl teacher disposable gloves and market them along with bright colored aprons. What a great idea that would benefit every teacher out there.  I always leave school feeling like there is an invisible sheet of moist sticky film all over my body, that’s because I believe young children by nature are coated with this. I’ll still hug them, maybe.

And in reference to Tuesdays blog, no it did not work treating all the children like puppy’s.  There is never a limit to affection and they never get enough.  It only became a very irritable disruption.  And then the baby like behavior came out and that’s when I had no choice but to threaten the kids with having to wear diapers. Yes, playing puppy land was effective for a short period of time, but that goes for everything to do with his age group. And children don’t respond in one essential way that a puppy does;  You cannot just give a child a bone to gnaw on and expect them to relax and be entertained for hours…darn.  I had glimpses of hope nonetheless.

Children especially today with our fast paced society and MTV and commercials that flip scenes every second, need more intense stimulation than ever before.  They get bored too easily and have a difficult time staying focused for longer than five minutes.  Our next generation is going to be excellent at multitasking but never ever finish anything.

Please Note: For those who may not get my humor; My diary accounts are meant to instill laughter and are focused on the peculiar happenings rather than the serious sensitive moments.  Some may think it does not appear as if I love what I do and may interpret my humor as if I am anti children and that is simply not true.

Understand that in order to bring about the humor of my day to day experiences I say the most absurd even bizarre thoughts that cross my mind, that’s comedy.  And yes, it is true most days are filled with more moments of anxiety and chaos than calmness. However within each day there are many moments of simply pure bliss and deep love and although the moments are brief, they are so intense they can bring me to emotional tears and/or sheer laughter.  Every child has an adorable side and when that connection is made or when that child does that one little thing that tugs at my heart strings, I forget all about the million other things that did not run smoothly.  And if I can help a child to see their own exceptional strengths, improve their weaknesses to feel worthy and valuable I feel good inside, as if I made a little bit of a difference in the future of our children and that makes me feel successful.

Even the little destroyer can suddenly wiggle his bottom and smile at me with such charm that my heart becomes jelly.  

A preschooler is the not only my coffee but also my heart medication. I become more loving and feel loved in return because I teach. I believe laughter is truly the best medicine and so I prefer to write about the catastrophes because they’re funnier and therefore more therapeutic for me.

Kids Are My Coffee

The little destroyer had a better day today than most. He only hit a few children a total of five times; only pushed twice, and only grabbed and ran with one child’s toy, only had one stomp away screaming tantrum, only spilled one glass of milk, only dumped out one toy and actually took a nap, woohoo. After nap he was like a different child all tired and huggable…awe. That lasted three minutes.

A four year old boy of mine once again wet his mat. This happens three or four times a week if he happens to fall asleep. At the beginning of the school year I was dealing with four separate children who would periodically wet their mats. He’s my last one with this issue. It is common that many boys do not develop the ability to prevent this from happening until older. Important note for potential teachers-to-be out there, get a washer and dryer set up in your facility. I didn’t. One load at home tonight for one small sheet and one blanket, coming up. Now that is literally taking my work home with me.

One of the most memorable highlights of the day;

A five year old girl, our adorable drama queen who had been away on a long three week vacation returned today and when she came in the door, she was not only moving about at top speed but literally talking nonstop and in a way that was erratic and ecstatic. She really is the cutest thing. I do not believe that she stopped moving or talking at any one point during the day, maybe to catch her breath. When picked up she left the school…talking. And if the jet lag has not caught up to her yet to cause her to collapse into a deep coma like sleep than most likely she is still…talking. Wait…I can hear her right now. When a child talks that much at such a length it becomes like another voice in your head. And then I have eleven other children who also have important things to say every minute of every moment of every day. Some days, like today the classroom sounded like a zoo or a carnival. Ever spend an entire day at one of those places? At the end of the day you would be hearing children’s voices echoing in your head too.

Lucky for me we have Raffi music resonating in the background as well, so I get to sing in the car ‘The More We Get Together,’ and ‘The Sharing Song,’ and many others every day on the way home since his songs are stuck in my head, forever. I hope no one is listening.

People wonder why when they run into me I am talking so fast. I have to, not only to be heard but to keep up with those long winded little people. If you can’t beat them, join them.

I don’t need coffee, kids are my coffee.

The Time Out Chair

Why is it that some children cannot go a day without a time out and others will never ever get close enough to even touching the time out chair?

And to some children saying sorry, means I just said that so I can do it again and again and again.  It is as if the word sorry gave them permission to misbehave.

I have a couple students who have made their indelible mark in the time out chair.  It’s as if it belongs to them and odd when a typically non time out child sits in it.  These two children seem to thrive on reaching a minimum of three time outs a day.  A day they don’t is a day they either weren’t at school or weren’t feeling well. I recall telling a parent ‘Your little one had no time outs out, he really wasn’t himself.’

To no surprise I discovered later that the child had the flu.

I was demonstrating to one child how I hug my little Maltese by scratching his ear, talking in a very high pitch, loving way saying ‘I love you so much my little sweetie pie, you’re my babyyy, I love you,’ when suddenly the child materialized into a little puppy right in front of me.  As I scratched her ear, I think she may have even stuck her tongue out.  And within seconds I had every child in my program frantically pushing their way towards me, Can you do that to me?   Of course now I had to.  This is one reason why you do not find us teachers picking up every child and swinging them around, as much as they would love us to.

Most kids love animals, all kids love to witness the love a human displays towards an animal. I think they identify instinctively with the animal. Notice how they all enjoy imitating animals.  I wonder if we treat our kids like cute little puppies if they might display a more affectionate and calm nature.  That just might have to be my experiment tomorrow. Fun.

Funniest thing overheard today: A child said to another child “Let’s pretend we’re at school and we’re friends.”

Second funniest thing:  After sipping the juice her mother gave her for lunch a little girl turned to her classmate and said “This tastes like soda or beer. I think it’s beer.  My dad lets me drink beer.”

Most unusual situation today: A little girl had extreme constipation while attempting to go potty and screamed literally so loudly the windows shook.  My eyes widened when this typically quiet well mannered girl screeched at the top of her lungs ‘Miss Lori I need you, NOW!’  Poor sweet little psycho Sybil child just wanted me to kneel by her while she screamed.  Will someone get this girl a fiber bar.

The Little Destroyer

A child decided while I wasn’t looking to completely cover both his hands with black marker. Luckily it wasn’t one of my permanent Sharpie pens. But you could imagine my reaction when I saw his new black gloves. I almost lost it, but since I knew there were still more hours left in the day therefore more time for more incidents to come I thought I‘d better save some of my mental tension to release at the proper time. Choose your battles.

And yea for me, I was right. My prediction paid off. It took less than an hour for this very same child, also I must add the very child who pulled the security alarm on Tuesday, to manage yet even more destructive behavior.

All the students had just organized the various strewn toys, cleaned up the play center, the train tracks and block shapes were neatly put back into their bins and the room had been swept and disinfected as we sat to have a quiet end of the day let Miss Lori have a moment of peace story time.

At which time the, as I like to call him little destroyer decided since the black marker hand behavior didn’t cause enough of a response from me, he had to do something to top it, of course. The day is not complete until Miss Lori’s blood has curdled into a flaming ulcer with her heart racing at full speed where she is forced to say those magic words ‘What on earth are you thinking?’ Only than can the children at my center feel justified that they have successfully fulfilled their mission and reached the Miss Lori cross the line limit button. And just as with most days, they did. Thanks to the little destroyer.

The room is calm the children are gathering in circle for a story. I take a half a minute to grab a book from my desk area. A half a minute in a child’s world is a long enough time to create disaster. Before I could stop him this little cute, what appears to be sweet looking boy turned into a gremlin. He had fiercely opened sixteen separately labeled zip lock bags that contain different puzzles and dumped them all together into a volcanic mess in the center of the room.

I almost lost it, but decided to let him live. Only because his grandpa showed up to pick him up. If grandpa had not picked up whose to say.

On New Years Eve, I got to stay late after the preschool closed as it took a total of forty minutes to collect and reorganize the large stack of puzzle pieces into their proper bags. Oh joy.

I realize in retrospect it wasn’t that big of a deal. But any teacher can tell you. It’s not the one situation but the collaboration of many mini disrespectful behaviors that build up inside a teacher that over time can no longer be repressed and that’s when finally an explosion occurs-usually near the end of the day. Our defenses are down we are exhausted, we don’t care anymore we just want silence. Kids are exceptionally talented at knowing how to maneuver just the right timing of events to activate a teacher’s adrenal glands. It’s not so much what they do or say but at what point they choose to put their destructive, disrespectful, rude behavior into action that pushes our fire cracker release button. Children thrive on this, they love it. That’s why it puzzles us adults when they stare blankly back with no sense of remorse after we react upset. It is because they are gloating with satisfaction that they won the limit race.

All I wanted to do after that day was have only adult interactions.

Luckily I got just that and went out dancing.

Three days, no kids.

Happy New Year to me

Eat Like A Child, I Dare You

Do 80 percent of the children today have ADD or am I just getting old? I used to think I had so much energy until I started working with young children. They win.

Once again I am amazed how it can take up to an hour at lunch time to eat a mandarin, a corn dog and a yogurt. Probably has something to do with the fact that most of that time the child is doing everything but eating. Sadly the average child rarely eats even half of the lunch their parent’s took the time to prepare. Besides the food items becoming play toys or talking creatures, they must stand up every time they have a minuscule thought. I seriously wonder is this because they think they will be heard more easily or is it because they feel too short to be heard or both.

I am actually envious of this talent to be near food for such a lengthy time with no temptation to devour it. If I could find a way to somehow muster this ability to use my imagination in a way to just play with my food as if they were animate objects never eating much, I could really lose a lot of weight. Great diet plan. I'm on it.

The paranoia happened again today:

No broken crackers, ever. Every teacher must realize that when serving snack, if a chocolate teddy bear graham cracker is missing any body part even if only half of an arm, the child will notice and immediately assume that some other child sneaked into the locked snack cabinet when no one was looking and intentionally bit the arm off on purpose out of spite. Understand the concept that it broke in the box, as many crackers do, is way too logical of an explanation for a four year old.

Either it was the full moon or merely that it was one of the first cloudy rainy days but it was one of those days where the mantra ‘walking feet,’ was said so often that I began saying it when no child was even running.

Question of the day:

I announced today that tomorrow will be our Pajama Party! Naturally meaning that all the children will get to wear their comfy clothes and slippers tomorrow and carry around their teddy bears. We may even serve hot cocoa. Boom, you got a party. Why is it that there is nothing more exciting to a child than the word, party? You do not have to even do anything to make a party in a child’s eyes. I could tell the children that on Friday we are going to have a book party and ask everyone to bring their favorite book. And that alone would get them to react in the same way as if I had just announced that we were having a bounce house with Santa Claus, his reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. This is usually when I hear ‘I love you Miss Lori.’

It is so easy to light up a typical child’s eyes. Their extreme almost manic enthusiasm is certainly what makes teaching at this level worth while.

Having a party day redeems me in their eyes, as long as I remember to never serve a teddy bear graham with a decapitated body part.

Back From Christmas Break, Already?

Prior to the preschool closing for one week, I had a new discovery. If you give a preschool child no limits on the amount of candy cookie decorating topping options they can use, they will undoubtedly prove that they have none. I am almost certain that each cookie weighed at least five pounds, three pounds were frosting. Can anyone say hypertension?

Now in the two days back since the Christmas break, I have one question. Was it Bill Cosby who said that kids have "brain damage?"

Being away from children, having the school closed for that one week, I had forgotten what a high pitch scream a certain child had. I remember now.

Another child whose speech is delayed and therefore is more physical than other children his age, decided the best way to welcome me back was with a nice sharp punch to the shoulder and then a lean in hug; nothing like passive aggressive love.

I learned a few new things today:

One- it is more entertaining to paint the bathroom mirror with a toothbrush dripping with toothpaste than it is to brush your teeth.

Two- another child continually poking you in the back for longer than the twenty minutes of circle time will even provoke the most pacifist child to poke back. Do unto others is a natural instinct at this level.

Three- a chicken nugget if referred to as a dog bone and if shaken while chasing other children around a table can create quite a riot.

One week is a long time from a child’s perspective. I have been referred to as Mommy and Grandma more than once by more than three separate children.

Favorite toy of the day was a Lightning McQueen diesel truck a child brought to share. Or so his mom and I thought. Much like not tattling, sharing at the preschool level is an ongoing lesson that must be re taught every three minutes. This truck ended up being used like a ball and children tested each other to see who could get it closest to landing in the neighbors tree. Luckily no one won. The truck got a time out.

Thought for the day:

Preschool toys that are actually used for their intended use is rare.

In the ten years that my preschool has been in operation only once has a child pulled the emergency security alarm which creates an unbearably loud sound that can be heard in the town thirty minutes away. Lucky for me I can now say, twice. And I no longer can hear out of my left ear. Welcome back Miss Lori.

Another day in a child’s world.